Sunday, 24 March 2019

An open letter: Dear Tyler.

Today, 24th Sunday 2019 marks 4 years since i lost the boy i loved dearly. Tyler and i we're the closest you could ever get, we shared the same love for each other but most importantly we shared our life together. Tyler left suddenly, without a warning, without a goodbye. And, that broke me completely. Loosing someone close to you whether that being a best friend or a family member destroys anyone and we don't ever get over the pain we feel after loosing someone so tragically.

I wanted to write this letter in memory to my Tyler. He was the most amazing, gorgeous and loving friend that i could ever ask for. We met when things were tough for me, when i was experiencing severe bullying which made me severely I'll and depressed. If i'm completely honest with you, if it wasn't for him i wouldn't be here today and that's the truth.

If you also suffer with depression then you'll know how rubbish it makes you feel, how lonely and how it messes with your head. It took me months, in fact years to tell myself that i am loved, i am wanted and i'm not what the bullies said about me. Tyler who i loved dearly helped me through my rough patches, he helped me to love myself again which i never thought would happen after hating myself and the body i was in for so long. He taught me that no matter how gloomy some days were, more sunshine and smiles were heading my way.

I'm not going to go into full detail with how my Tyler passed and why he passed but i lost him to suicide not long after him helping me through my dark, depressing days.  At first i didn't believe it, i didn't believe it for two days. I think what got to me was the fact i was told he was gone but in my head he wasn't, i was waiting for a text from him to say he's ok but that didn't happen, even to this day i'm still waiting for that text and it hurts, it really does hurt.

Dear Tyler..

You we're the most incredible, loving, caring and generous friend i ever had. You weren't just my friend, you were my soul mate. It still to this day destroys me knowing i will never see you again. I'll never be able to see you happy, smiley or having a giggle, i'll never be able to tell you how much i love and wish you we're my husband, i'll never be able to do/say the things i use to say/do. The worst part about it all, ill never get to see another notification pop up on my phone saying how much you love me and i'll never get to hear your voice on the phone. 

Today marks 4 years since you left, and not a single day goes by where i don't think about you, cry about you and talk about you. I talk to my family about you like it was only yesterday you were telling me what you wanted to do with your life and how you wanted to make your parents proud with passing your GCSE'S, going to collage, getting a job, finding a husband and to grow old with that person you wanted to be with. 

You were such a supportive friend, you always told me how much of a kind hearted, funny and beautiful girl i was. Oh boy, what i would do to hear you say that again and to hear you call me bubs when you were upset and vertically on the edge to crying. It's the little things in life that make you sit and think how much you really loved that person. 

I wanted to say how grateful i am to have met you, i also wanted to say how much i'll miss you and how much of an absolute babe you really were. It was nice spending the few years we had together, it was nice to enjoy my life with someone i loved dearly. 

I wanted to say a huge thank you for sitting at the end of my bed every night until i fell asleep (his spirit, not him in person. I can see spirits, connect and talk with them). Thank you for being amazing and thank you for making me feel special.

Here's to celebrating your life, i hope you like the balloon i set off for you and the candle i burn every year on your anniversary and birthday. 

Rest in peace bubs... 

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